Cootchie Cootchie Coo.

Alright, so I haven't blogged in forever. Damn twitter. :P Well... some things have been happening in my life that I need to write about, even if it is just to work things out in my own head.

[Warning: There may be TMI in this post!!!]

Last week I thought I was pregnant. I was feeling strange. Usually I break out slightly before my period, and no break out. Actually, I just felt under the weather. I threw up a couple times, peeing all the time, I was getting headaches, I was having problems staying "regular", and my breasts were really tender. At first I thought I might have come down with the flu. However, when looking up my symptoms... Pregnancy was at the top of the list.

I was scared. What if my birth control failed and I was pregnant???

I thought about it and decided not to tell Sky unless I actually was pregnant. However, my period wasn't supposed to start until this week, so I decided not to take a test until my period should have started. If I got my period then I wouldn't have to worry about a test! Anyway, it was weighing on my mind.

Oh, and mood swings are a symptom too, and I'm sure Sky could tell you that I definitely did have those.

So anyway... Sky and I went into his office on Saturday. I felt myself starting to get queasy in the middle of his office. I excused myself and went into the bathroom for a bit. I didn't want him to know I was getting sick...

One of the nice things about living with Sky is that he allows me to drink alcohol inside the house. Without thinking I asked him to get something for me to drink. He agreed and went to the liquor store Saturday night. While he was gone I realized I couldn't drink if I was pregnant. I know that it probably wouldn't matter since it was so early on, but I couldn't consciously do that... He came back and I didn't know how to tell him that I just made him go get me some alcohol and then I wasn't going to drink it. All I said was how I didn't feel like drinking it and that I would save it for later that week.

His response? It's okay, I've already figured it out.

My heart stopped. What??? You figured what out?

We talked for a while, apparently he put two and two together with some of my funniness. We both want kids, but this was not a part of our plan. Not right now. However after talking about it we realized that we would accept whatever outcome came.

Since he knew I could start looking around at information online. I think this was my biggest mistake. I want kids. I have always known this. So when reading some of this stuff, it made me want to be pregnant. In my head I knew that NOW wasn't really the best time, but that is because of reasons not having to do with my desire to be a mother. I don't know... It's weird.

One of my biggest fears in life is that for some weird reason I won't be able to have children.

Anyway, I was finding all this stuff out and falling more and more in love with the idea of being a mom. Which is crazy, because I am 19, without a job and not going to school at the moment. However, we would make it work. I knew that. I figured that this could be the best mistake ever. [Weird I know...]

I realized how slim the chance was that I was pregnant though. I knew that I would be okay with not being pregnant too. Because that is the thing, both sides have pros. Both sides have cons.

It's weird, because while on a level I wanted to be pregnant, on another level I definitely did NOT want to be pregnant. I mean, they are expensive and it would be such bad timing.

So I was constantly teetering on this edge.

We decided that we would take a pregnancy test Monday. We woke up early [much to Sky's chagrin due to late night football] and went to the store. We bought the test and headed over to a McDonald's across the street. Classy, I know... But Sky had to get to work and it is better to take it with first urination of the day, so that's how it had to go.

I went into the stall, trying to crack jokes to myself but I was nervous. For good reason... I pulled down my pants, reread the directions to make sure I was doing it right... and peed.

Waiting is the hardest part. Thoughts ran through my head, I want to be, I don't want to be, I really don't want to be, it wouldn't be a bad thing... etc. Finally I look over...

Not pregnant. I had to sit for a couple of minutes. I expected to cry a bit, but I didn't. I was sad though. I was quiet during my egg mcmuffin. I went home and slept. Pretty much the whole day. I wanted to drink that night, but knew that wouldn't be smart.

After Monday I came to grips with it. I needed a day to process then I was fine. I then knew I should be expecting my period...

Except... it hasn't come yet.

Now I am back to thinking it might have been a false negative. I'm not getting my hopes up. Right now I feel more levelheaded. I realize that I probably am not pregnant. If I am, I am, but I am not thinking of that. So yeah, I hope that this didn't bore you or give you TMI. I'll update you guys on it later...

Prompt- Anger/Upset

I have a list of a few prompts that I keep stored up in case I want to blog and can't think of anything to blog about. There is one that I keep putting off because, well, I just didn't want to write about it. However I think due to recent occurrences, I will do the prompt now.

How do you communicate when you are angry/upset?

I think that I am both ends of the spectrum here. At first, I don't want to talk. I get a very "whatever" attitude. If the problem gets dropped, then this actually is good because then whatever I was angry/upset over didn't get blown into a bigger problem. I say this happens 75-80% of the time. I let things go very easily. Some people have said that it "isn't healthy" to keep things inside, but the thing is, I don't keep them. I don't say anything, but once it is over, it's over. It's not like I keep a bank of issues inside. Then I would agree that it is a fucked up way to deal with things.

The other end of the spectrum is I want to talk... A LOT. I want to resolve things, and until every little thing is resolved, I don't want to stop talking. This is an issue for me because the conversations tend to take hours. lol. If I am going to talk about my anger/upset at something, be prepared to talk a lot. I want to resolve things fully. These are usually with people I am extremely close to. It's not like I get upset at an acquaintance and have this four hour long conversation about it with them.

I think both ways sometimes get people annoy with me.

Last Night

Sky has been a bit stressed lately. I understand this, and want to do everything I can to help him. I sometimes feel like I am floundering in this regard though. I don't know if what I am doing is helping, hurting, or just indifferent. Sky pointed out to me last night that I was acting a bit bratty and pouting. Little things had been getting under my skin all day. Some may say that it started off on a bad note since I woke up with a hangover, but truly I don't think that was it. I do think that I was predisposed to be cranky though.

I feel like I don't want to bother Sky with things. I feel like when I do, I am just that, a bother. We have had some bugs recently due to a myriad of factors and I am *deathly* afraid of them. Last night I saw one and Sky came to kill it. I felt like I was just being a bother. I felt like he wanted me just to kill it myself. I can't. I literally cannot bring myself to. They scare me WAAAAAY too freaking much. I then sat down on the couch and my eyes were peeled into the kitchen looking for any movement what-so-ever. I once again felt like Sky was exasperated with me.

Sky took my actions as upset that we are living in the state we are living. To be honest, I don't really care where we are living. It surprised me to hear him say that he thought that was the issue with me. It makes me think that it is an issue for him. I know that the situation that we are in is not one that we planned on. I thank goodness everyday for Sky. The way that Sky took me in, is something that I will always be grateful for.

It does worry me though. Because we had not planned on this, and it can be stressful, I worry that Sky will grow to resent me for it. I pray that this will not happen, but it is always a worry in my head.

I worry that I am not doing things properly. I worry that I am not everything that Sky wants me to be. I want to be everything for him. He is the best man in the whole world and I worry that I am getting on his nerves. It frightens me that one day he will wake up and just be too annoyed to deal with me.

I don't want to annoy him and I feel like I have been recently. I cannot place my finger on it, but there are instances where I just get that vibe. It is not all the time. There are plenty of times where that is the furthest thing from my mind.

I worry that I am a little off too. I don't want to articulate some desires because I don't want to stress Sky out any more than he already is. I don't want to seem needy or anything.

Sky did ask last night what was up, I told him that I was missing the pain. I was craving a beating. He said two things. 1- When he is stressed he worries about going "too far". and 2- he thought I wasn't looking for that because whenever he tried I would move funnily.

I understand number 1. I knew that it was probably a reason and that is why I didn't bring it up. I don't want him to be more stressed because I want to be a painslut and he doesn't want to go too far.

Number 2 I see where he is coming from, but I hate that he thought this. I hate that something I did veered him in the wrong direction. I think my level of resistance goes up the more I want it. The resistance and final takedown is hot to me. I'm glad that he was reading me, and took the direction of not possibly hurting me in a bad way. I told him that the resistance was just so he would take it anyway though. I want the "I don't want it but it doesn't matter what I want because he wants it".

We had some struggle/resistance/spanking/biting last night after that. I'm glad he was listening, but I can't help but crave more. Last night afterwards, Sky was on top of me [one of my favorite things in the world... Just being there, both of us in post-sex bliss, skin touching, so close] and he said "Brat" and without thinking I said "better". As soon as I said it I tried to brush it off. I said that I was glad that he listened to me, because I felt like he wasn't before. Which was an element of what I said, but not what I meant completely. I think he knew that, but I guess if he didn't, he will when he reads this. I said better, which, while encompassing the "I'm so happy you listened to what I was feeling", was also about, I need more pain. It is better, but not what I need. It scares me that I cannot articulate this. I think more than anything because I don't want to. I want to do whatever he wants, and if that means no pain for a while, then that means no pain for a while. I want to be okay with that. I want to be like, well, no pain is fine by me. [Also, when i say no pain, it really doesn't mean NO pain. Sky and I almost always incorporate slapping/choking into sex. We are rough sex fans] I want to be fine having whatever kind of sex that Sky wants to have. However, my need for pain is so great that it is obviously affecting my mood. That is what I don't like.

Well, I feel this is long and rambly... If you have any ideas or just want to comment, feel free!

Prompt- First time

What was your first sexual/play encounter with your current Owner like for you?

I know that I have outlined this before places, but talking about my first time with Sky is always something that I enjoy. We met online. We talked for months. I knew that I was attracted to him. I knew that my feelings for him, if he turned out to be everything that he said he was, had the potential to be great. Oh gosh, I remember that day *so* well. I was so nervous. Platinum dropped me off at the train station and I took the train downtown. Sky's plane landed and he called me. I was sitting outside of a dunkin donuts [I got a french cruller] and waited. Sadly, the train from the airport to the hotel was broken down. He called, giving me updates and such. To be honest, I was a bit relieved because I was soooo damn nervous. He told me that at the exchange from train to bus he was just going to hail a cab. While I was excited that he would be there soon, I was nervous as hell because he was going to be there so soon.

I was intently watching the hotel entrance, which I could see from my outside seat at dunkin donuts. Everytime I saw a cab roll up my heart skipped a beat. Then... *the cab* rolled up. I knew it was the cab, because Sky is really tall. REALLY TALL. And a redhead. So he is really hard to miss. I stood up, and was on the phone with Mediterranean at the time [freaking out, "oh my god, there he is. oh my god..."] so I hung up quickly and tried to compose myself. He didn't just stand there and wait for me though, he was walking too. That's when I knew that I liked him. The fact that he was walking towards me too meant a lot. Which sounds weird, but whatever. We hugged when we met. I swear my heart was stopped at this point, either that or beating so fast that it felt like it stopped.

We went into the hotel and checked in. We held hands and I kept staring at him. Gosh he was handsome... still is of course. The elevators were super tiny and freaked me out, Sky held me close. It was the most blissful feeling. Although I was still a ball of nerves. We weren't even in the room for ten minutes before we were all over each other. I remember seeing his cock and being a bit shocked. He is really thick. I straddled him and slid down on his thick cock. It was one of the most intense sexual experiences of my life. I was cumming by the time I slid all the way down. I cannot recall how many orgasms I had that first time, but it was a lot. He is a fantastic lover...

Thinking back on that weekend makes me feel all warm and gooey inside. I love Sky so much. That weekend was the start of it all. He is the man of my dreams. No, strike that, he is better than the man of my dreams. He is more than anything that I could have ever dreamed up. I am so in love with him.

Talking while he's sleeping.

So, I have this small habit of talking to Sky while he is sleeping. I found that I wasn't really doing it that often since I've moved in though. I pondered on this the other day and realized that we are living together now. It isn't like before where we had to fit everything we wanted in a week or weekend. I have him all the time. I know he is coming home to me. This is one of the most happy realizations that I have had. I did however talk to Sky in his sleep last night. I kissed his shoulder and spilled the beans on how much I love him. I went into all those sappy details. I love being next to him, feeling his skin against mine...

I am worried that I am not doing things around the house properly. Well, worried that I am not doing enough for Sky and the house. Which on some level I know might be silly because I am doing things and the house is clean. I know that if Sky wanted something to be done he would tell me to do it. I've never done this before though. I feel like a need a little bit of validation more than I normally would. Don't get me wrong, he has remarked on how much I have done and tells me that I am doing well and good girl and all that stuff... maybe I am overthinking things.

My paid adventures

So, I talked in my last blog about the CL ad that Sky and I posted and the one guy who responded. The guy wanted to watch Sky and I have sex while we degraded him a bit and pay us for it. I was excited and nervous. More than anything else I was nervous because the guy wanted me to take on a role that is not me at all, a more Domme role.

I am not a switch. I have no interest in "topping" someone or controlling someone. It is not something that I get off on. I was nervous that even pretending wouldn't work for me. Sky talked me through a lot of my main worries. Also, Sky would be there, so I could feed off of him.

Well, this guy kept talking to Sky about coming over during the day for me to "size him up" pretty much meaning he wanted some humiliation before the big show. I was really uncomfortable with this because I wouldn't have Sky there. Not only would Sky protect me, but he would also be there to play off of [like I mentioned above]. But the guy was offering the same amount for 15 minutes as he was for a hour. The opportunity was too good to pass up considering my unemployment status. So I told Sky to let the guy come over.

I was nervous. It felt like rats were running around in my stomach. It was *not* a good feeling. He came over and the beginning stuff was taken care of [the money and making sure he wasn't a cop]. He dropped his pants, I called him a little boy, laughed, and played the part pretty well. It took less than ten minutes for him to finish [you better not get anything on the furniture!]. He cleaned up his mess and was on his way. It was the easiest money that I have ever made. Not to mention the most fun.

I remember watching cathouse on HBO and wishing that I could do what they did. Weird but true. Now I'm not saying that this is anything more than it is, but I had fun with it. I am looking forward to the next time. I like money and I like sex. Best of both worlds...

My new favorite blog.

I was reading a thread on fetlife and was immediately drawn to the opening post and its writer. It was a female who was extremely intelligent. The intelligence thing is always a turn on for me. You could tell by her writing that she was well educated and knew what she was talking about. I went to her profile and saw that she had a blog. As you all know I am a blog-aholic. Not just about writing entries, but finding good blogs to read as well. This woman had around thirty pages and I read each and every single entry. It's pretty much all I did with my spare time. Each blog entry pulled me in. One especially I was drawn to [which is posted below]. Her usual format is not poetry like such, it is prose. However this entry was something I could relate to...

Walk in and slap me across the face with your open hand.

Call me a whore, as if I were in a position to argue.

Grab me by the hair and drag me to the bedroom.

Bend me over the foot board.

Force me into a submissive position.

Raise up my skirt, letting me know you just want to use my cunt.

Tear the thong away from my ass.

Shove your thick cock inside me.

Pull my head back by my hair;

Force me to watch myself be used in the mirror.

Use your other hand to tighten the collar around my neck.

Fuck the shit out of me like you own me, because you do, for an hour.

Make me scream, moan, and growl like an animal.

Use me to masturbate yourself.

Don’t worry about whether or not I’m enjoying it.

Use me like a piece of meat;

A fuck hole.

Fuckmeat.

The blog is http://www.realprincessdiaries.com/ and the author is Alexa. Please, go read it.

Now, for a bit of background on the blog and my new found love for it. The author of the blog is a paid companion. I remember when I was 16 I used to think that I would be kickass at that job. Not a streetwalker, but an actual escort/paid companion. Unfortunately the stigma and everything dashed any further thought. Reading this blog though put it back in the forefront. As most of you know I recently moved states [which meant quitting my job]. I am currently unemployed. Which sucks majorly. However, something interesting happened to me that is not unlike how the blog author started her journey.

Sky and I placed an ad looking for another couple in our area to play with. We also stated that we would entertain singles as well. So of course we got plenty of single guys emailing us. I was thrilled! One email however caught my eye, it said this gentleman was only looking to watch, and he would be generou$. The dollar sign of course caught my eye. We responded back and arranged a meeting [tomorrow]. The amount of money just to watch for 60 [ish] minutes, astounded me. After setting that up I started thinking more and more about stopping my search for an entry level position and put out a few feelers in the other direction. To me, it would be foolish to work 40 hours when I could work 3 and get the same amount of money [more actually]. I don't know... we'll see. I have talked to Sky about it and he didn't say yes and didn't say no. It is more about my safety at that point. Like I said before... we'll see. :) What are your thoughts on it?

TPE: Total Power Exchange and Safewords

So, I was looking at the keywords that lead people to my blog, and total power exchange [in variant forms] is the most searched thing. [the second being loving rape]. I love that my blog is getting foot traffic that way, as much as this is for my [and Sky's] pleasure, it would be amazing to be a well trafficked blog. I feel like people should be able to relate to me, and my writing is done well. So of course it would be absolutely amazing to become more popular in the blogosphere.

But that is off track... Total Power Exchange is something that is at the core of what Sky and I are as a couple. I wanted to talk a bit about safewords and TPE. Many people believe that the use of safewords is hypocritical to the TPE life. I wanted to give my thoughts on this. I have a safeword. I have even talked about safewords before in this blog. I don't believe it is hypocritical. Like I said there, I can count on one hand the number of times that I have safeworded. Sky and I have excellent communication and usually if something is wrong I can just tell him, "Daddy, my hand is all tingly". That works just fine. Those times that I have safeworded it is because I have reached what most call "subspace". At those times I can barely think, let alone speak full sentences. However, even in that state I can remember my safeword.

I do not, and would not, use my safeword outside of sex. Imagine! "Babydoll, the dishes need to get done now", and me, "KAYAK!". LMAO. Yeah, that would not work. One of the most beautiful things about TPE is the power exchange [duh, who would have thought]. The fact that I am obeying Sky is what I derive happiness from. I have given Sky control over me. Body, actions, everything. Just because safewords are used in the bedroom does not negate TPE, and please don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Kneeling Num 7

Daddy, it is my desire, need, and hope that I...

am everything that you could ever want. I love you with all my heart. I know that the situation that we are in at this particular moment was neither of our wants, but it brought me closer to you. I want to stay this close. You mean the world to me. You are a huge part of me and I hope that I can do anything and everything for you. Our love is more than anything I have ever experienced before. You are this intoxicating man who I have fallen head over heals for. I never thought that I would be as lucky to find as wonderful a man as you are. You are everything I could have ever dreamed of and I hope that I am the same. When I am being held in your arms I know that I am home. I am exactly where I am supposed to be. It is my hope that you feel the same.

You make me smile every single day. It is my desire to fill every wish that I can. I want to be yours. Today. Tomorrow. The next day. And the next. Keep that on repeat and I would be the happiest girl. I want to make you happy. I want to do whatever I can to keep you happy and smiling. You bring light into my life. You fill me with this crazy amount of joy. There are things that we just click with. You are the man who I want to please in every way possible. I love you. You love me. We love each other. It is my desire, need, and hope to continue to be everything you want. I love you with all of my heart, body, soul.

My Collar

I have been wanting to write this post for a while... well... a week. :-P I arrived in my new state of residency on Saturday. Sky and I went shopping for the home sweet home. One of the places to stop at was the pets store to pick up a new leash and food. Sky has ordered a collar online for me, but it hadn't come yet. I understood, I wasn't pushing, Sky giving me a collar is something that he has to do, not something I wanted to be pushy about. Did I want him to collar me? I wanted nothing more. My very being craved it. It has a lot of meaning for me. We discussed the meaning for both of us long before the collar was even on order. Both of us had the same meaning behind it.

So, I got a little off-track, all I really wanted to say was that I was not, and would never pressure him into giving me a collar, however that does not mean it was not wanted. While we were at the pet store we went down the leash/collar aisle. Sky expressed that he wanted to get me a temporary collar that I would wear until the real one was shipped. I was ecstatic of course, but I tried to hide it [as best I could] because I didn't want him to feel obligated to collar me temporarily until the real one came. He made it clear that it was what he wanted to do. We picked out a simple black leather collar.

That evening I stood in front of him, my heart beating. He asked me if this is what I wanted, if I was sure. I could barely muster an answer, my heart was in my throat. My whole body was tingling. I was on fire. I don't think I've ever been more excited about something, it stunned me into silence. I did manage a yes though! His hands worked around my neck to put the collar on me. He kissed me and I started to tear up. He is the most perfect man. I am his. I was before the collar, it is an outward sign of that, yes... but it is so much more. I feel it around my neck and it feels right. I have him with me at all times. He is always there with me. I know because the leather around my neck reminds me of that.

I love my collar. I love Sky.